6
After Dad left, Mom sat in front of my memorial display for a long time, then turned and walked into my bedroom. My bedroom was still exactly as I’d left it, the small bookshelf packed with study materials. Mom looked at the shelves full of
books, and tears streamed down again. “I spent so much money, and at the critical moment, her life was gone. What was it
all for…”
Mom opened my math textbook. On the flyleaf, a few messy sentences were scribbled in black pen.
“I’m trying so hard to learn, but why can’t I keep up?”
“I really don’t understand math class. I feel so stupid. I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Today, the math teacher criticized me in front of the whole class, saying I was useless. Am I really that bad?”
Tiny, densely packed words outlined a high school senior’s helplessness and despair. In the bottom right corner of the flyleaf, there was another sentence: “So tired. When can I finally get a break?”
When I wrote that sentence, I had already been in school for a hundred consecutive days, waking up at five every morning for early reading, and studying until 1 AM before daring to sleep. Even so, Mom still thought I wasn’t working hard enough, and she privately told my teacher, “Give Lily more homework. You have to push yourself to excel.”
Mom paused, then opened my backpack. Inside was a diary. Its edges were yellowed, looking as though its owner had flipped through it countless times. Mom’s trembling hands opened to the first page.
March 2nd, 2024
One hundred days left until the finals. Today was the 100–day countdown rally, and I got my first mock exam results. My total score was only 550. This was the result of me trying so hard for so long, but Mom wasn’t satisfied. To help me
improve Mom led the charge demanding the school not allow any breaks before the finals. My classmates started to
20
March 25th, 2024
I woke up early this morning. My roommate was still asleep, so I went to the hallway alone to memorize vocabulary. It’s still cold in the northern spring, and I was shivering, but I kept going. Mom said, “Endure the bitterest hardships, then you can become the best of people. If others wake up at five, you wake up at four.” My head hurt so much during early reading today, like it was going to explode. But it’s okay, I’ll just hold on a little longer. As long as Mom can be happy.
April 10th, 2024
I don’t know if it’s from overstudying, but my heart has been hurting badly lately. During early reading, the teacher told everyone to stand up and read. When I stood up, my vision went black. There was a throbbing sensation, like something was eating away at my heart. That night, I called Dad from the school’s public phone booth, saying I wasn’t feeling well and wanted a few days off to see a doctor. But Dad just gave me a long lecture. He said everyone in this world encounters setbacks and hardships, no one has a smooth path, and learning to cope on your own is a sign of good upbringing. He said it’s not easy for parents to raise a child to adulthood, it takes a lot of time and effort, and if you can handle something yourself, you shouldn’t bother your parents. He said he believed Lily was the bravest and strongest kid, and that I would definitely overcome my physical discomfort and deliver a satisfactory answer sheet on the day of the finals. I hung up the phone. The wind that night was very cold, and the air was filled with the smell of damp earth from the recent rain. I sat alone on the steps of the academic building, crying uncontrollably.
May 3rd, 2024
So sad. At the parents‘ request, the school not only canceled Saturdays and Sundays but also the May Day holiday. With only a month left until the finals, a banner was hung outside the academic building: “Life can restart, but the finals only happen once.” Chloe, my deskmate, laughed and said, “Isn’t that backwards?” Only I looked at that banner and felt a
suicidal thought emerge. Who can I talk to? Mom will only scold me, and Dad will only lecture me with big. I don’t have
a single friend at school. It hurts more and more; it seems I can only confide in this diary.
May 23rd, 2024
This morning when I woke up to brush my teeth, I noticed the water was tinged with red blood. My stomach has been hurting more and more lately; I’ve been holding on for so long, I can’t even eat anymore. I want to go to the hospital, but my teacher said there are only a few days left until the finals, and I shouldn’t let illness delay my review progress. But… it really hurts. Maybe I’ll go to the clinic outside school tonight, secretly, so I won’t get caught.
The diary stopped on that day. That night, the school found out I had snuck off campus and told Mom. Mom burst into the classroom like a madwoman, slapping me several times in front of the whole class. After Mom said, “Go on, jump if you’re so tough,” my heart had already died. Lily seemingly had a warm family and lived comfortably, yet she walked alone for over a decade. A child misunderstood by their family is always adrift.
Mom’s hand, holding the diary, trembled violently. That day, when she received the call from the teacher saying her daughter had skipped class, she felt a surge of rage shoot straight to her head. She didn’t ask her daughter for the reason, didn’t listen to her explanation, but rushed straight to the classroom to confront her. She still remembered the hurt in her daughter’s eyes at that moment.
Mom painfully lowered her head, and sobs filled the room. The half–basin of green plants in the room, left untended for too long, had drooping branches and leaves. The plush comforter on the bed, once warmed by family, now held no lingering trace of human touch.
